Relationships
Strong social ties increase survival by 50% (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010). That’s comparable to quitting smoking. Loneliness isn’t just sad—it’s a health crisis.
The 85-year Harvard Study of Adult Development found the clearest signal: quality of relationships at age 50 predicted health at age 80 better than cholesterol levels (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023). Not career success. Not wealth. Relationships.
Why Relationships Decay
Adult life conspires against connection:
- Work expands. Without boundaries, it fills all available time.
- Geography scatters. Friends move. You move. Distance compounds.
- Passivity wins. Everyone’s waiting for someone else to reach out.
- Surface replaces depth. Digital connection feels like connection but doesn’t fulfill the same need.
Relationships don’t maintain themselves. Left alone, they decay.
What The Research Shows
Quantity matters less than quality. 3 close friends beats 30 acquaintances. Depth > breadth.
Regular contact is required. Relationships need deposits. Weekly or bi-weekly for close friends; monthly for good friends.
Vulnerability builds bonds. Sharing struggles creates closeness. Performing “fine” prevents it.
Conflict done well strengthens. Avoiding issues lets resentment build. Addressing them early keeps relationships healthy.
What To Do
Schedule it. If it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t happen. Weekly date night. Monthly friend dinner. Quarterly catch-up calls.
Be the initiator. Stop waiting. The person who reaches out is the person who has friends.
Go deep. Ask real questions. Share real answers. “How are you really doing?” not “How’s work?”
Show up. When someone needs help, be there. When someone celebrates, be there. Presence is the currency of relationships.
The Minimum Viable Social Life
- Weekly: 1 meaningful interaction with a friend (call, coffee, dinner)
- Daily: Check in with partner/family
- Monthly: Reach out to someone you’ve been meaning to contact
- Quarterly: Host something. Bring people together.
Measurable Outcomes (KPIs)
- Number of close interactions per week (target ≥ one meaningful conversation or meetup beyond superficial contact).
- Self-rated loneliness on a standard scale (decrease by X points).
- Existence of a strong support network: e.g. answer to “Do you have at least two people you could call in a crisis?” should be Yes.
- Long-term: improved happiness and perhaps health metrics.
Relationships are the strongest predictor of happiness. Treat them like the priority they are.
See Friendship Maintenance for the protocol.