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Adult Friendships Don’t Just Happen
At 35, I realized I couldn’t name five people I’d call in a crisis.
I had colleagues I liked. I had old friends I texted occasionally. I had a spouse and family. But deep friendships—the kind where someone knows your actual struggles, not just your highlight reel—I’d let those decay through years of neglect.
It happened slowly. After college, everyone scattered. Work got busy. I moved cities. I kept meaning to reach out, to visit, to maintain the connections. I didn’t. And one day I looked up and realized I was lonely in a way I hadn’t been since middle school.
The research is brutal: Chronic loneliness increases mortality risk as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Strong social ties are the #1 predictor of happiness and longevity—stronger than wealth, career, or health metrics.
I’d optimized the wrong things for a decade.
What I Got Wrong
I assumed friendships maintain themselves. They don’t. Without regular contact, even close friendships decay.
I waited for others to initiate. Everyone’s waiting. The person who reaches out has friends. Passivity guarantees loneliness.
I confused acquaintances with friends. Knowing someone isn’t the same as being known by them.
I avoided vulnerability. I shared highlights, not struggles. You can’t build deep connection while wearing a mask.
I didn’t make time. Work meetings were scheduled. Friend time was “whenever.” It rarely worked out.
What Actually Works
Initiative is everything.
The “liking gap” research: people underestimate how much others like them. You think they’re not interested. They think you’re not interested. Everyone’s waiting.
Be the one who reaches out. The worst outcome is they say no.
Texts I actually send:
“Hey, been too long. How are you actually doing?”
“I’m hosting a small dinner next Saturday. Nothing fancy. Would love to see you there.”
“That conversation we had stuck with me. Want to grab coffee and continue it?”
Vulnerability is the price of admission.
You can’t build deep friendships while only sharing wins. The people I’m closest to now are the ones I’ve been honest with about struggles.
Surface-level friendships where everyone performs “fine” aren’t friendships. They’re acquaintanceships with extra steps.
Hosting is a superpower.
The person who hosts becomes the center of their social network. You don’t need a fancy house. Just gather people intentionally.
I host a monthly dinner. Same night each month, rotating group. It’s become the anchor of my social life.
Time is non-negotiable.
You can’t neglect someone for two years and expect the relationship to be there when you need it.
- Close friends: weekly or bi-weekly
- Good friends: monthly
- Acquaintances: quarterly
“Contact” means real conversation. Liking an Instagram post doesn’t count.
Attachment Styles Matter
Attachment theory applies to friendships too:
- Secure: Comfortable with closeness and independence
- Anxious: Craves closeness, fears abandonment, overthinks
- Avoidant: Values independence, withdraws when things get close
I’m avoidant. I withdraw when relationships feel demanding. I convince myself I don’t need people. Defense mechanism, not personality.
When I feel the urge to withdraw, that’s usually when I most need to reach out.
What I Still Struggle With
Consistency. Great for a few months, then life gets busy and I go quiet.
Vulnerability with men. Easier to be honest with women friends. With men, there’s still a pull toward performing competence.
Making new friends. Maintaining is one thing. Building from scratch as an adult is harder.
Depth vs. breadth. I go deep with a few and neglect the broader network. But weak ties matter too.
The System
Good intentions don’t work. I need structure.
Weekly: One friend hangout. On the calendar like a meeting.
Monthly: Check in with 3-5 people I haven’t talked to. Simple list, rotate through.
Quarterly: Host something. Bring people together.
Annually: Audit. Who are my closest friends? Who have I neglected? What do I want?
Mechanical? Yes. But leaving friendships to chance doesn’t work.
The Point
Relationships are the strongest predictor of happiness and longevity. Stronger than wealth, career, or health metrics.
You can’t outsource this. You can’t automate intimacy. You can’t hire someone to be your friend.
Adult friendships don’t just happen. They require intentionality. If you’re not actively maintaining them, they’re actively decaying.
Reach out to someone today. Host something this month. Be honest about a struggle.
The people who thrive make friendships happen. They don’t wait.